Have you ever wondered why so many people who experienced adversity in childhood inevitably grow up feeing ugly, self-conscious and insecure? Here we explore how experiencing adversity in childhood can affect your self-esteem, and what can help you see not only that any insecurity is a LIE you learned growing up but also how you can void it now.
When your cognitive belief system is flawed, it’s next to impossible to feel physically good enough.
So how do we become self-conscious? If you grew up living in a home with domestic violence and/or other adversities, it’s actually a LIE you internalize which is a by-product of the other LIES you learned to believe growing up in that home. No matter what your physical health or appearance, if you feel GUILTY, RESENTFUL, SAD, ALONE, ANGRY, HOPELESS, WORTHLESS, FEARFUL and UNLOVED – the LIES I discuss in my book INVINCIBLE, and in the other blogs in this series – you can’t help but feel self-conscious.
How can you feel good about yourself if you believe all these other things to be true about you? When your cognitive belief system is flawed, it’s next to impossible to feel physically good enough.
Some people who feel this way may try to fight the relentlessly negative inner voice with superficial fixes, such as clothing or makeup, or trading sex in an attempt to feel wanted. But the LIE persists. Others may use forms of self-destructive behavior to soothe themselves: overeating, smoking, drinking, using drugs or succumbing to anorexia or bulimia in an attempt to attain “perfection” and fend off the negative sense of self.
That connection has simply not been shared with them.
Those who grew up experiencing childhood adversities don’t consciously make the connection between the way they grew up and feeling unattractive. That connection has simply not been shared with them and it is difficult to see if you don’t even realize what you experienced, much less how it impacted your life. They don’t stop and say, “I believe I am unloved because my mother and father constantly insult me and therefore I hate myself and feel physically unappealing.” They just feel it. And that feeling creates a deep psychic wound.
This scar is invisible, but it affects your thoughts, feelings, and the actions you take each day. It teaches you to believe the LIE that you are insecure and self-conscious – and that everyone else sees you as unattractive.
The TRUTH is that you don’t have to be insecure if you just realize that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you. That it wasn’t your fault what happened in your home, it wasn’t your job to stop it, and that all the others LIES you learned are just that – LIES. They’re not true and they are not who you are. Your self-consciousness is simply a by-product of your past and you have the power to change it for the future, by consciously making a choice to do so.
Please share in the comments below if you grew up feeling insecure and if you’re still overly self-conscious or believe that you’re fundamentally unattractive. Think back – what were the things that made you feel that way, what were the reasons you began to believe this? Thank you for sharing.
A detailed overview of the UNATTRACTIVE Lie can be found in CHAPTER 9 (“Unattractive to Attractive”) of INVINCIBLE: The 10 Lies You Learn Growing Up With Domestic Violence, and the Truths to Set You Free.